Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
