Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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