So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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