just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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