Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
