I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
