I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i wish my penis had a tongue
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
