My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
