Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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