In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
