He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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