Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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