are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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