I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
