Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
