I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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