I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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