there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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