Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize