A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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