if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
