Be still, my beating vagina.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
