I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
