woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Im part way to drunk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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