did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's blow job season.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
