I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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