Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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