i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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