You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
