Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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