it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
