I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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