If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
