I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
