My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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