you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
