We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
