Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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