for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
