it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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