Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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