i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
