she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
