I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
