her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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