i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
