Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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