the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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