im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize