Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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