wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
