If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
