I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
