This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
