My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
