I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
